Why?

I’ve been thinking lately about accomplishments. I have all these things in my life that I would like to accomplish, but for one reason or another, I never do. Whether it’s because I forget, I’m too lazy, or just can’t seem to get motivated, the end result is the same. Nothing changes.

For example, I feel like I need to lose about 10-15 lbs. The thing is that I haven’t altered my diet or exercise habits in any way, yet I’m still disappointed when nothing changes. It’s completely illogical. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I know it’s mostly a mental thing – I have some kind of block or something that seems to be holding me back. I realize that this sounds like a lame excuse, but mentality is incredibly important when it comes to trying to adjust behaviors.

So, the question remains: how do I overcome my own mentality and convince myself to start creating positive changes in my life?

I have no idea. That’s the problem. There are hundreds, if not thousands of books, blogs, podcasts, and vlogs that aim to educate us on how to ‘become more productive’ or ‘overcome mental hurdles’ or ‘find more time in the day’ but each one seems to fall short for me.

Why?

Clearly the answer is me. I’m unable (or unwilling) to take the advice given and use it to my own advantage. I am holding myself back. I am standing in my own way. I am the hurdle I need to overcome.

That is some terribly depressing information to realize about myself. Which makes me even less willing or able to convince myself to be more proactive with adopting changes.

It’s a never-ending loop of self-destruction. I don’t try because I’m getting in my way and I’m getting in my way because I don’t try. A total catch-22. I’m stuck in a roundabout and can’t seem to find the exit sign or off ramp.

What to do?

For starters, admitting that I have a problem is a pretty good first step. But, it’s only useful if I manage to move past this first step and onto another. I need to find my ‘why.’ My ultimate reason that what I want to change is worthwhile. That elusive motive that gives me enough purpose to actually follow through on something, anything.

Better health isn’t a good enough reason, apparently. Nor is fitting into a smaller dress size. It makes me wonder how other people manage to find their raison d’être.

Does it come in a flash of insight, an epiphany that hits them like a stack of bricks? Is it more like a slow realization that unfolds over time? Either way, mine has been evading me for a long time and doesn’t show signs of being found any time soon.

Perhaps it’s all for the best. After all, without this internal struggle going on, I might not have had anything to write about today. I just hope that I find my ‘why’ eventually. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

I hope everyone has an enlightening weekend!

Happy Father’s Day!

As a woman who has dealt with infertility issues, I know how hard it is to make it through a parental holiday, namely Mother’s Day. What I forget sometimes is that it’s also hard on my husband. He wants to be a father just as much as I want to be a mother. So, Father’s Day is difficult for him.

I don’t usually write about issues that aren’t my own, but I feel like the topic of infertility is almost always directed at women and, perhaps unintentionally, men get left out of the conversation. Their feelings are just as valid and need to be recognized. I know it can be hard to talk about these things, believe me, I get it. But it should be noted that it’s ok for men to be part of the infertility topic. In fact, it’s vital. They are half of the equation after all.

So, to all the men who long to be fathers, but haven’t quite gotten there yet, I feel your pain and want you to know that your feelings have merit. Today may be challenging, but you will get through it. You may have to hide away from social media and people in general, I know I do, but you are not alone. There is support out there if you need it.

I hope everyone’s weekend is better than expected!

I Love Lists

When it comes to creating lists, I’m a pro. I can whip up a list for cleaning, shopping, even budgeting in no time flat. My problem comes with the follow through. Specifically, when it comes to sticking to a rigid cleaning schedule.

I have tried the clean-everything-at-once method and the clean-a-little-bit-everyday method, in various forms. Neither has worked particularly well for me. Of course, each time, I was using someone else’s pre-made list. Working on their timeline and with their priorities.

This time, I have done a lot of reading and web searching and come up with my own version. I made the master list, then broke it up into manageable chunks with like items bundled together. Finally, I created the timeline based on my own priorities and abilities.

It’s still new and I haven’t gotten into the full swing of things yet, but I’m quite hopeful. I’ve managed to do most of the items on my list without feeling overwhelmed or guilty for not doing it all perfectly. I see that as progress. And any progress is good.

In the spirit of accomplishment, I hope everyone has a successful weekend!

Rediscovering A Favorite

I recently binge watched the first season of A Discovery of Witches. They did a really good job on the show. I read the book a couple years ago and remember enjoying it. The show got me thinking that maybe I should re-read the book, and perhaps even read the other two books in the trilogy.

So, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve gotten through about a quarter of the book in the past three days or so and I’m loving it all over again. Deborah Harkness has a way of making her characters feel real and relatable. The dialogue has a natural flow that is difficult to achieve, let alone maintain the way she does.

I would love to be able to write with such grace. Perhaps, one day I will. I just need to practice more, or at all.

I hope everyone has a productive weekend!

Remembering the Fallen

It’s Memorial Day weekend. Time for cookouts, family, and honoring those that have fallen fighting for our freedom. It’s important to remember that the freedoms we enjoy every day are not free. They are earned by the blood, sweat, and tears of the men and women of the United States military. It’s easy to take what we have for granted, to become complacent about the source of our liberties. That’s why it’s so vital that, at least a few times a year, we take a moment and give thanks to those that fight for our rights.

I’m proud to be a veteran. In fact, the military is a deep part of my family history – my father is a veteran, my husband is a veteran, and my brother and brother-in-law are currently serving. So, to all those that take up the mantle, I say Thank You.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend!

Birthday Wishes

I want to wish my dad a very happy birthday! He’s my friend, my role-model, my hero. Without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I am forever thankful for everything he’s done, for me and the rest of our family.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Tomorrow, May 12th, has multiple meanings for me. The most obvious is that it’s Mother’s Day. I love my mother immensely and know just how lucky I am to have her in my life. It’s also the day, seventeen years ago, that I met my husband. Another lucky break for me.

What I’m trying to say is that, while Mother’s Day is difficult for me for personal, fertility-based reasons, it’s also a day that has brought me great joy. It is a day of contrasts for me indeed.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Happy Birthday, Alice!

Alice Liddell, the inspiration behind Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, is 167 years old today. At least, she would have been if she were still alive. Either way, her spirit lives on in those that find joy and fulfillment in the fanciful tales spun in her honor.

It’s also Star Wars Day. Yet another fantastic world that has captured the imagination of many.

Whether it be the whimsy of Alice or the drama of Star Wars, or both, today is quite the day for celebration. I hope everyone has a delightful and creative day.

May the Fourth be with you!

Storytime: Beauty and the Beast

When I was nine years old, Disney’s animated Beauty and the Beast came out. It’s the first movie I remember seeing in theaters. It stuck in my memory because of what happened that day before we went to the movies.

My dentist in Arizona was named Dr. Lamb. I saw him every six months for routine cleanings. When I reached the age of nine, he decided that, in order for my adult teeth to grow in with no problems, I needed to have four of my molars pulled. The reasoning behind this decision was that, with one molar taken from each quadrant of my mouth, my adult teeth would have the room necessary to grow in without overcrowding. Now, mind you, I still ended up needing braces due to extremely crooked and crowded teeth. So, I’m not entirely sure that his idea actually worked. Regardless, at this point in my life, that was the procedure recommended, so that’s what I got.

My appointment was in the morning and I got to miss school. Not a bad trade-off. Or so I thought. I’m not a fan of going to the dentist for anything other than cleanings. I love getting my teeth cleaned. They feel so wonderful afterwards and don’t hurt in the process. Anything else, as in anything that requires the use of needles in my gums, and I’m a huge mess. Nowadays, I can only go in for other procedures under the use of sedation – either I.V. or pill sedation.

Of course, that wasn’t an option when I was a child. I had to lay there quietly as they placed the numbing gel in my mouth on a cotton swab, followed by the dreaded needle for the full numbing effect. It wasn’t fun. Once I was fully numb, he used these awful looking pliers to grab my teeth, that weren’t even loose yet, and twisted and yanked until they finally released from my mouth. There was no pain at this point, but the sound was simply appalling. The ripping and tearing sounds as the roots were broken made me cringe.

When all was said and done, I had a mouth full of cotton and four less teeth. My face was numb for a long time afterwards and I couldn’t eat or drink anything until the feeling came back. I was fairly miserable and wishing I’d just gone to school instead. I think my mum must have known this and decided to cheer me up with a special trip to the movie theater, just me and her. It was awesome.

We got in the theater just after the movie started, but before anything big happened. It quickly became one of my all-time favorite movies and has stayed that way ever since. When the live action remake came out in 2017 with one of my favorite actresses, I was thrilled. When it turned out to be excellent, my heart overflowed with joy. Having been connected to a terrible experience, I could have ended up despising the movie. I’m glad it went the other way though. Belle is a heroine I can truly relate to and who continues to inspire the bookworms of the world to keep reading and be kind to everyone, even the beasts in our lives.

Happy Easter!

Tomorrow holds a great deal of meaning to many people. For me, it’s more about it being my parents’ anniversary. In fact, it’s their 40th anniversary. Quite an accomplishment, especially in today’s world. Most people view marriage as something of a temporary nature. More like dating than an actual commitment.

I hold a different view.

Perhaps it’s old fashioned, but I believe that marriage is meant to last a lifetime. Marriage is hard work. I know from experience. I have been married for almost 17 years myself and it hasn’t been one long walk in the park. But even when times get hard, for whatever reason, I have never seen it as an excuse to just give up. And, luckily for me, neither has my husband. We both have the same view on taking vows. We take our vows to each other seriously, just as we took our vows to our country seriously.

I appreciate that being with someone else, anyone else, can have its trials and tribulations. All I’m saying is that it shouldn’t be so easy to throw away what should be a lifelong commitment.

That was a little preachy, I know. I just have strong opinions when it comes to the state of matrimony.

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter and, to my parents, Happy 40th Anniversary. We all love and respect you so much!!