Why?

I’ve been thinking lately about accomplishments. I have all these things in my life that I would like to accomplish, but for one reason or another, I never do. Whether it’s because I forget, I’m too lazy, or just can’t seem to get motivated, the end result is the same. Nothing changes.

For example, I feel like I need to lose about 10-15 lbs. The thing is that I haven’t altered my diet or exercise habits in any way, yet I’m still disappointed when nothing changes. It’s completely illogical. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I know it’s mostly a mental thing – I have some kind of block or something that seems to be holding me back. I realize that this sounds like a lame excuse, but mentality is incredibly important when it comes to trying to adjust behaviors.

So, the question remains: how do I overcome my own mentality and convince myself to start creating positive changes in my life?

I have no idea. That’s the problem. There are hundreds, if not thousands of books, blogs, podcasts, and vlogs that aim to educate us on how to ‘become more productive’ or ‘overcome mental hurdles’ or ‘find more time in the day’ but each one seems to fall short for me.

Why?

Clearly the answer is me. I’m unable (or unwilling) to take the advice given and use it to my own advantage. I am holding myself back. I am standing in my own way. I am the hurdle I need to overcome.

That is some terribly depressing information to realize about myself. Which makes me even less willing or able to convince myself to be more proactive with adopting changes.

It’s a never-ending loop of self-destruction. I don’t try because I’m getting in my way and I’m getting in my way because I don’t try. A total catch-22. I’m stuck in a roundabout and can’t seem to find the exit sign or off ramp.

What to do?

For starters, admitting that I have a problem is a pretty good first step. But, it’s only useful if I manage to move past this first step and onto another. I need to find my ‘why.’ My ultimate reason that what I want to change is worthwhile. That elusive motive that gives me enough purpose to actually follow through on something, anything.

Better health isn’t a good enough reason, apparently. Nor is fitting into a smaller dress size. It makes me wonder how other people manage to find their raison d’être.

Does it come in a flash of insight, an epiphany that hits them like a stack of bricks? Is it more like a slow realization that unfolds over time? Either way, mine has been evading me for a long time and doesn’t show signs of being found any time soon.

Perhaps it’s all for the best. After all, without this internal struggle going on, I might not have had anything to write about today. I just hope that I find my ‘why’ eventually. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

I hope everyone has an enlightening weekend!

I Love Lists

When it comes to creating lists, I’m a pro. I can whip up a list for cleaning, shopping, even budgeting in no time flat. My problem comes with the follow through. Specifically, when it comes to sticking to a rigid cleaning schedule.

I have tried the clean-everything-at-once method and the clean-a-little-bit-everyday method, in various forms. Neither has worked particularly well for me. Of course, each time, I was using someone else’s pre-made list. Working on their timeline and with their priorities.

This time, I have done a lot of reading and web searching and come up with my own version. I made the master list, then broke it up into manageable chunks with like items bundled together. Finally, I created the timeline based on my own priorities and abilities.

It’s still new and I haven’t gotten into the full swing of things yet, but I’m quite hopeful. I’ve managed to do most of the items on my list without feeling overwhelmed or guilty for not doing it all perfectly. I see that as progress. And any progress is good.

In the spirit of accomplishment, I hope everyone has a successful weekend!

Rediscovering A Favorite

I recently binge watched the first season of A Discovery of Witches. They did a really good job on the show. I read the book a couple years ago and remember enjoying it. The show got me thinking that maybe I should re-read the book, and perhaps even read the other two books in the trilogy.

So, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve gotten through about a quarter of the book in the past three days or so and I’m loving it all over again. Deborah Harkness has a way of making her characters feel real and relatable. The dialogue has a natural flow that is difficult to achieve, let alone maintain the way she does.

I would love to be able to write with such grace. Perhaps, one day I will. I just need to practice more, or at all.

I hope everyone has a productive weekend!

Last Post of the Year

It has been one crazy year. From three failed IVF cycles to losing my source of income to getting a new job, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I saw a motivational poster recently that really struck home. It was of a Chinese proverb that said: Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.

That is one philosophy I intend to take with me into the new year. Progress, however minute, is still progress and I need to remember that. Even if I am only inching forward towards my goals, I am still moving. It’s something I tend to forget, a lot.

My goals aren’t huge as of now. They are pretty basic: Drink more water and less soda, stop cussing, and start exercising again. I know I can attain each of them, so long as I remember that it’s not going to happen overnight.

I believe we can all reach the goals we set for ourselves, no matter how big or small. All we need is the motivation and support to get there. As a last token of whimsy for this year, here is a picture of my two Narwhal mugs to make you smile.

Happy New Year, everyone!!